Follow That Bird
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Footage of Sesame Street NC (voiceover): In 1969 Sesame Street was born, an educational show that actually made learning numbers, letters and words somewhat entertaining. It was put together by puppeteer legends Frank Oz, Jim Henson and a few others. For awhile it was everywhere, and if you could believe it, this show is actually still on TV running almost 40 years nonstop.* Surely there must be some kind of movie we could exploit out of this. (*The review was made in 2008; as of this year, Sesame Street HAS been on the air 40 years, continuously; Congratulations Big Bird, Oscar et al!) NC: Luckily there is! In 1985, Warner Bros. released their big screen, motion picture ground breaking epic, Follow That Bird. Footage of the movie NC (voiceover): Good lord this is gonna be painful. The show itself never made any sense, so what makes people think that a movie about it is gonna make any sense? NC: I haven't seen this movie in years, I just remember that it was weird and childish. I mean...okay, it's a CHILDREN'S movie, but that's beside the point! It's time I look over this crazy, nonsensical garbage and give it the beating that it deserves, so let's dive right in at the beginning. Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please rise for the Grouch anthem. Oscar: No no no, for the Grouch anthem, you stay sitting down. NC: (gasp) Oh my God, it's Oscar! I haven't seen him in years! He's like the first puppet I ever saw in my entire life. He's like totally responsible for the rugged personality I have today, I mean I just like looked up to him, I just loved him and- I'm sure that this movie's still gonna blow despite him! NC (voiceover): Alright, so the movie starts out with an organization called the Feathered Friends, which apparently relocates orphaned birds with proper families. It turns out that Big Bird is on that list--dude, look at this information, was someone stalking him?--and one representative, Ms. Finch, goes to his aid. So this logically brings us to Sesame Street, where we, of course, come across--(gasp) Big Bird, oh my God! NC: He is just as big as I remember, some things never change when you're a chil- It's a man in a costume! A big, lovable, heartwarming costume. NC (voiceover): So he's told that there's a family called the Dodos that are willing to take him in and look after him. So Big Bird, always looking for a family, agrees, and has to say goodbye to all his friends. (gasp) IT'S SNUFFLEUFAGUS! NC: I REMEMBER SNUFFLEUFAGUS! He's like a big hairy Dumbo but with depression. Big Bird: Well Snuffy, I guess this is goodbye. Snuffleufagus: Oh Bird... NC: Oh no, Big Bird don't leave, don't leave Mr. Snuffleufagus! Snuffleufagus: I hate to see you go... NC: (gasp) He's got the little trunk that wraps around his- He slaps himself NC: What the hell is wrong with me! I'm the Nostalgia Critic! Not the pussified emotional cries over every Sesame Street related motion picture epic where every person puppet and occasional crappy animated animal tugs at your heartstrings critic! NC (voiceover): Okay, so Big Bird goes to live with the Dodos, but finds that he's not really fitting in. Mostly because the Dodos are certifiably insane. It's pretty bad when a group of characters seems so crazy that even a Sesame Street movie can't pull them off as normal. Dodo Son: Get the door Marie. Marie: No way. Uh uh. You get the door. Son: Get the door! They continue arguing NC: SHUT UP! Ms. Finch: This is worse than I thought. NC (voiceover): Wanting to keep his mental health, Big Bird runs away and tries to get back home. But Ms. Finch is determined to get him back before he reaches his destination. So the Sesame Street gang goes looking for him. The gang consisting of Oscar and- (gasp) Grover! The Count! Cookie Monster and- (gasp) BURT AND ERNIE! NC: Oh, ahem, as you notice, uh, Burt and Ernie are sharing the exact same plane. That's because they also share the exact same bed! Ahahahahahaha...see, it's because-I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T MAKE FUN OF SESAME STREET! It's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke Burt and Ernie, whatever your sexual preference is it's none of my business! I'm sorry Big Bird, I'm sorry Grover, I'm sorry everybody! I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me. You. Are. Childhooood. I can't do it, I can't do it, I'm done, get someone else to review the movie, I can't do it. He walks offscreen NC: Hey you, you want 20 bucks? Go review this movie. Chester A. Bum: HOORAY! He practically leaps into the chair Bum: Hello! I am here to review...what's the name of this movie again? NC: Follow That Bird Bum: OH MY GOD this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! Bum (voiceover): There's this bird who runs away from home only to run away from his home again, to get back to the first home that he ran away from in the first place! And there's this lady, who looks like one of my acid fantasies, and she's trying to bring him back home to the home he ran away from the second time. Bum: Now I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense... Bum (voiceover): So anyway there's these two guys, and they're like "Dude, that's a big bird," and they're like "Let's paint him blue for some reason and parade him around like an animal-" which he is an animal so I guess that's legal- meanwhile Burt and Ernie are flying, Super Grover is flying, and Oscar is flying, except on the ground, and Cookie Monster ate his car because he thought it was a cookie! Bum: I thought my car was a cookie once! But it wasn't a cookie. Or a car. It was MAN. Bum (voiceover): So they find Big Bird and at first they're like "HOORAY!" But then they're like "Oh crap," So they have a big car chase scene and they're like "Jump!" And he's like "No!" And they're like "Jump!" And he's like "No!" And they're like "Jump!" And he's like "Okay." So then the bad guys are taken away by officer John Candy, and Big Bird is returned back to Sesame Street. But Ms. Finch is like "I have to take you back home." And Big Bird is like "Dude what is your deal?" Everybody's like "This IS his home! Go back to Russia!" Bum: So the moral of the story is, home is not about where you belong or where you need to be, it's all about where you live. I live in a box, so that blows donkeys. I'm Chester A. Bum saying I remember it so you don't-CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE? Aw come on help a guy out, will ya? Come on, change! Well can you at least tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Nobody seems to know!